If ‘motherhood’ was a job advertised on Seek.
JOB TITLE: Mother
JOB TYPE: Full-time, forever
This is a multi-faceted position not for the faint-hearted. It will take a high-achieving, all-rounder who can draw from a range of different skills and experiences to get the job done.
Full time personal carer: Around the clock personal care for of a small human-being who can not do anything for itself. This includes but is not subject to being available day and night for feeding, changing nappies, settling, soothing, regulating temperature and aiding sleep, as well as bathing, dressing and ensuring all physical and psychological needs are met
Cleaner: You must be competent in the areas of washing up, vacuuming, mopping, doing washing (A LOT), and where possible keeping your home generally well-kept
Cook: You must provide daily cooked meals for yourself, spouse and any other family members — ideally organic, gluten-free, dairy free and fat free while ensuring it still tastes good
Teacher: You must engage in the child’s daily learning by reading books, singing songs and participating in other activities that stimulate growth and development
Taxi driver: You must be available to run errands, get to appointments and do drop off and pick ups at multiple times of the day
Nurse: Ideally you will be able to work your way around a first aid kit, administer paracetamol, kiss wounds and attend to any bruises, cuts, bumps or grazes
Councillor: You must have excellent listening skills to be able to hear out problems and reduce conflict where necessary, all while demonstrating empathy, patience and a willingness to help, even when the client (child) is overtired, overwhelmed or just generally shitty.
Physically able: You must be physically fit enough to pick up, put down, pick up again, load in, strap in, push around, carry, rock, become a human bed, hold, hold and hold the child some more for sometimes hours at a time
Psychic: In the event your child is yet to speak or has developed a language of its own, you will be expected to read minds or at the very least establish a variety of techniques to figure out what the little human needs
Playmate: You must have the ability, time and attention to regularly play with and entertain the child...in these times it will be essential that you too, act like a child.
Leader: You must be a strong leader that the child and other family members can lean on in times of doubt and uncertainty. The ideal candidate will be a pillar of strength that everyone can trust and look to for direction and guidance
PA: You will also need to be organised when it comes to establishing routines, scheduling play dates, attending play groups and just generally remembering what day of the week it is.
All tasks and responsibilities must be carried out with a kind heart, warm face, loving voice, lots of affection and a very understanding nature.
PLEASE NOTE: There is no shift work or rostered hours for this position. It is literally FULL TIME - 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. You will be required to carry out duties with very little sleep. This company does not allow for sick days. Emotional and hormonal regulation will be required.
No on the job training will be provided. If there is a skills deficit or shortage you will need to be resourceful.
Keep in mind you will also not be provided with a manual and each child will be different.
There will be no compensation for out of pocket expenses or running costs and there is no direct remuneration for this position, however you will be guaranteed an abundance of hugs, kisses, giggles and more love than you will know what to do with.
DISCLAIMER - maintaining your health, marriage, relationships, friendships and hobbies while remembering to feed the animals will remain your responsibility and will need to be attended to in your own time (should you have any of it left).
If you think this position sounds like you please Apply Here now.
Tag a mama who’s killing it at their ‘job’! 😂😅
Written by our gorgeous contributing writer Lou Marx.
Image by the beautiful Angelickpicture